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Alastair's Story
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My name is Alastair I am 40 in March 2007 I am the last male in my family and I am unlikely to ever become a father or keep the name going through a son for another generation. 12 years ago I started down the fertility route with my then wife and I found out I have no sperm. (The things I could have done when I was younger knowing that!) This was a contributing factor to my marriage breaking up in 2000, as my wife could not come to terms with not having children and my apprehension of using donor sperm and or adopting at that time in my life. This may seem selfish to some of you, you may be feeling sad, but I feel everything is for a reason (I don’t want to get too bogged down with that!)
In March 2002 I met, fell in love with and eventually married Emma, she is 11 years younger than me and full of life and wants a family, as do I more than anything. I was upfront from the start and Emma and I spoke at length about donor and how this would not affect our relationship. In 2003/2004 we found out that Emma had PCOS and endometriosis? What are the chances of that? (Please do not ask me to pick 6 numbers for you on the lottery). Both of us cannot naturally have children, both of us are now sad ,but both of us still love each other so much. And both of us are determind to fight on.
We have had a number of Rui treatments, I have yet again gone through the uncomfortable procedure of trying to extract sperm through the testis, just in case!!!!!????? ( it wont be happening ever again!!!!) We have had many highs and many many lows on this IVF rollacoster of emotions and I take my rather bitter hat off to all the staff at Oxford for their patience when we are wanting to blame someone and their resilience when we are upset. We have been lucky in one respect because we have mat Gail Farmer at the unit and although I am sure she will say “it’s her job”, without Gail I think Emma and I would have given up a long time ago—Thank you Gail, you will never know how much you have helped us xx. We also have a couple who we are very close to and, although things have been said and views exchanged they have always been there for us. You have to remember, people want to be happy, they do not want to hear about how sad you are!! But they listen.Thank you to them, they know who they are.
So now it is a new year, 2007, we are looking at fostering as a possible route, we are looking at having a life and travelling and spending happy times together, would they really be that happy without the one thing that you want. Wherever you travelled or went in the world, there will be children reminding you of your inability to beceome parents
……….…. but wait a new attraction has just opened in the emotional theme park, a new rollercoster………IVM. Surely this is ideal for us, just want we need, Emma’s in the right age group and she has PCOS etc etc. We must not get our hopes up! We must think about it and the implications, and the injections and the sniffing and the….. we have booked our first meeting already!!!!
I am unsure, as I know a lot of blokes will be, if it is fair to put our wives,partners and loved ones through this kind of emotional turmoil. Is it even fair on us ?, after all, we are supposed to be macho, not cry, and be fiercely turf and supportive in the face of adversatity. Well let me tell you, I have never cried so openly, for so long and with such sadness as I have done seeing the look on Emma’s face when the result is “Negative” ,time after time after time. Our friends tell us to "let it go", "move on" "you have changed as a person, we want the happy Al & em back" . So do we, but this hurt is not visible, we don’t go around with bandages, we don’t have a big sign that says “please do not mention anything about children because we cant have them” and as the world keeps going, some time soon we would like to get on and not let it pass us by but the emotional pull of becoming a parent in a world where it is taken for granted when you are young that you will grow up get married and have children is huge and impossible to ignore ( for Em and Al it is !)
I realise that our story is not unique and I have never written before to an organisation, but the stories I read in the newsletter for Autumn 2006 have truly inspired Emma and I to fight and try to do it with happiness and fortitued and if this letter/story goes anywhere near inspiring others then it has been worthwhile.
Good luck to everyone whichever route you take and whatever hand of cards you are dealt.
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